In the Words of Others

This entry came to me as I was reading a something from another individual who always adds to my capacity to perceive and think.  She had commented on a post from James Altucher and it started me thinking because of its value to a larger conversation concerning life and our ability to live it fully. It is fantastic and I offer a link to it in its entirety at the end of my post!

I found it really fits with my mantra of Be Purposeful, Act With Integrity, and Build Your Character.  That coupled with what I experience every day led to this post.  I realize it doesn't follow my normal set up, but hey that's how things go sometimes.  I have italicized the quotes from the post and then placed my thoughts after them to lend the most credit to the post for provoking the thoughts.  Enjoy…I did.

1.      "It’s how you view the life inside you that creates the life outside of you. Every day.  Don’t get locked in other people’s prisons they’ve set up just for you. Personal freedom starts from the inside but ultimately turns you into a giant, freeing you from the chains the little people spent years tying around you."

·         We spend way too much time worrying about other peoples thoughts, beliefs, actions, and how they reflect on us.  We need to identify and know who and what we are so that we are able to respond to situations rather than react.

2.      "Push instead of focus. Push is the ability to get up every day, open up the shades, and push through all the things that make you want to go back to sleep. Compound life is much more powerful than compound interest."

·         When you look at success it is never one giant leap.  That one moment of triumph is the piece we remember rather than all the failures it took to get us there. The vital piece to success is the willingness to keep pushing through all the obstacles.

3.      "The average kid laughs 300 times a day. The average adult…5. Something knifed our ability to smile. Do everything you can to laugh, to create laughter for others, and then what can possibly be bad about today?"

·         As a society, we are actively taking the laughter out of our lives at a younger and younger age.  Our children are being forced to grow up at a quicker, unhealthy pace at which they are given large amounts of leeway to act with very little responsibility to help them succeed.  The result is an increased amount of social/emotional issues based in an inability to manage feelings or cope with hardship that grows as the child ages.

4.      "Getting out of your comfort zone frequently and randomly is a way to boost your anti-fragility. Do something that might not work. Be around people who challenge you."

·         You don't grow unless you stretch.  The greatest solutions in history have come from disagreement, argument, and debate.  If you want to get better at anything in life you must be with people who are better than you.  It’s the only way to increase your skill level.  If you aren't pushing yourself, you're coasting.

I consistently talk and write about some very important issues that continue to arise in society today; specifically, mental toughness, perseverance and resilience, responsibility versus accountability, and character.  My position affords me the opportunity to view the existence (or not) of these traits in both students and adults on a daily basis.  My fear is that we are moving more and more to a default position where students are taught that:

·         What we think of ourselves is secondary to what others think of us.  This results in an inability to understand the vital role morals and ethics play in a fulfilling life.  Therefore, we let others define who we are and what we may become.

·         Success comes from getting lucky or that one big break that someone else provides for you.  This type of thinking makes any failure (real or perceived) much more damaging and permanent.  Success is only achieved by learning from and pushing through our failures.  The age old saying...fall down seven times, get up eight.

·         They are ready for adult situations and decision making. Kids need, want, and succeed when they have structure.  This structure needs to be restrictive early and loose later when kids are able to exercise responsibility.  We need to be more comfortable with "no" and let kids do and worry about kid things until it is developmentally appropriate to take on more.  I just reminded my 7 year old the other day that I am not his friend.  I am his parent and therefore, responsible for his growing into a good, responsible young man.

·         If it isn't easy, find something that is.  Too often I hear people upset about someone else's success.  This is voiced through claims of it being "not fair" and "I deserve it more."  What ever happened to looking at someone who is successful and saying; "I want what they have.  Let me go find out what I need to do to get there."  We need to put more emphasis on acting rather than being entitled.

The good news is that this can all be fixed or improved with the right mindset no matter a person's age or position.  What follows are the points in the post that stood out the most to me.  Yours may be different.  Either way...take the time to read the post here.  

Online, In the Air, and Underground: Connect to Disconnect

The thinking for this post was generated by a recent conference I attended that was jointly hosted between the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) and the Canton Police Department.  While the topic was broad in scope (Strategies to Counter Violent Extremism at the High School Level) I found that when coupled with some recent literature, there was a very actionable message.  Responsible use of social media is a huge topic with multiple online resources, so please understand that I aim to only address a sliver here.

The Premise

Our students have almost unlimited access to the internet.  This isn’t 50 years ago when parents could shield their kids from certain sights, behaviors, or activities.  Even more recent it was a matter of kids being able to find (and do) anything they wanted if they had the desire.  Almost a “where there’s a will” type of thing.  Present day is even trickier.  Students will be exposed or introduced to many more things than we think appropriate or thought possible; whether they want to be or not. That is not a comforting thought even though there is a very effective method for combatting this issue.  We have just drifted from it.  I placed it into the title.  There is nothing wrong with connecting to the world of social media; as long as we never disconnect from our friends and family. Our kids cannot be shielded from the experiences the world will give them.  Therefore, it is our responsibility to teach them how to make proper decisions based on good character, integrity, and the ability to recognize both good and bad consequences.

So What?

There are three major pieces adults must keep in mind when attempting to control a student’s online activity.  They are all based around the idea that struggling for control is like squeezing a piece of ice; the harder you grip, the less likely you are to hold on.  In the end, keeping students safe depends on trust that is only built through fluid and ongoing communication and expectations.

Communicate

o   The Journal of the American Medical Association published a study in September that highlighted a direct link between families eating dinner together and a decrease in a multitude of negative behaviors in children such as depression, drug use, cyberbullying, and fighting just to name a few.  You may have seen some of the advertising campaign on television.  It is due to the uninterrupted conversation that goes on during dinner.

o   Be patient, positive, and supportive.  We all remember when we thought every viewpoint and decision of an adult was completely ridiculous and stifling of our important social life.  Take the time to listen and fully explore, model, and explain the pros and cons of various issues that students will encounter.  Your student’s perspective may shock or surprise you.  It is important to not overreact, but seek to understand where their belief comes from and then be firm in your response.

Expectations

o   Create a contract with clear boundaries and consequences for violating those rules.  Students like structure no matter how much they tend to complain about it.  There is a feeling of safety in knowing what is “ok” or not “ok” when it comes to behavior.  A clear set of guidelines helps make difficult decisions easier for individuals not prepared to handle certain situations. 

o   Remember that we are not our students’ friends.  We are the adults and while students need to be given plenty of room for mistakes if they are to grow, they also need to be kept “in bounds” so that they do not get into serious trouble while experiencing life.  In short, it’s not that we know better, but we do.

Trust

o   You will never be effective in protecting your student if there is not a strong sense of trust between you.  This does not mean blindly believing everything your student reports (or doesn’t) to you.  It is akin to Ronald Reagan’s statement; “Trust, but verify.” 

o   If your student begins to trust you with the small things, they will eventually trust you with everything.  Make sure you give them that opportunity by believing in them and their inherent ability to fall down, be scared, and worry about not living up to your expectations.  Personally, I tell my kids two things.  Only act in a way that they wouldn’t care if I heard about and that I will always love them unconditionally; no matter what they do.  So far, they feel safe enough to tell me everything.  I haven’t had to deal with the lying even though I have handed out plenty of consequences.  They know they can tell me anything because while I may not like the act; I will always be there for them.

Now What?

o   Schedule dinners or long car rides with your kids.

o   Always, without fail, listen to them because it’s important.

o   Continuously tell kids three things: I love you, I’m proud of you, and I trust you.

o   Communicate openly and honestly with integrity and hold an expectation of the same in return.

Ultimately it’s about helping your student create a mindset that allows them to make responsible decisions.  This doesn’t come from fear or you being the boss, rather from time taken to build a better relationship based on communication, trust, and understanding.  Remember that we can pretty much handle any problem we know about.  It’s the ones we don’t (or ignore) that are responsible for long term, often times irreversible damage to ourselves and others.

Communicate Like A Tiger

I wanted to write this post after Tom Bresnahan tweeted out a photo that really got me thinking about how we communicate, Tiger Cub Scouts, and an incident that occurred with my youngest son in a shopping market parking lot.  The overall message is model how to value individuals by listening to them.

Listen to Understand (The Goal)

The message is obvious, but how often is it that we are so geared up to talk that we never even listen in the first place.  There is a major difference between hearing and listening.  Listen to understand rather than waiting to speak and you just may learn something important.  Throughout history, there are accounts of multiple Native American tribes practicing the art of waiting approximately five seconds after a person spoke before they began.  This ensured that the person was heard and understood thereby causing more productive conversation.  Today this proves to be difficult.  We are naturally uncomfortable with prolonged silence.  However, every time I have practiced this, I have received greater amounts and a deeper understanding of information.

Tiger Cub Scouts (Steps to Take)

This is in the fashion of the “All I Really Need to Know, I Learned in Kindergarten” list.  Except it’s taken from a lesson I taught about being respectful and listening to a den of Tiger Cub Scouts.  To paint the picture, these boys are 6 years old. I often stop to think about how relevant these skills are for all adults as well.  The main point is to listen with your eyes, ears, and mind.  This can only be accomplished when you ignore all the other distractions.

1.      Eyes on speaker: Focus on the person you are speaking with.  You convey that they are important when you look at them.  It also shows that you are engaged in what they have to say.

2.      Ears are listening: Listen to understand instead of hearing to talk.  How often do you think you could repeat what someone had said to you five minutes after your conversation had ended?  The age old trick here is to repeat, rephrase and check.

3.      Mouth is quiet: Interrupting is one of the most rude and damaging behaviors in communication.  It sends a clear signal to whoever is speaking that what they are saying has no value.  It is not a long jump to the idea that you do not value them a person.  Simply put, wait your turn.

4.      Brain is thinking: Make sure you are making sense of what a person is saying.  Think of clarifying questions that help the conversation move forward. Asking questions shows you value the person and increases the flow of information due to a larger amount of trust.  Try to understand the motives for what they are telling you.  Doing so will lend insight.

5.      Body is still:  Non-verbal communication is much more important than verbal.  People have conversations and then walk away with that “it just didn’t feel right” taste in their mouth.  That is due to a breakdown in non-verbal communication.  Without getting too deep; be sure to have an open stance (or seated position), not roll your eyes, and either nod, shake your head, or give a slight umhmm to signify you are listening.

Keep Waving (The Whole Package)

Not everyone you encounter will communicate well.  The only response you have is to keep trying.  You do this through modeling.  There is no better way to teach somebody about proper, respectful communication techniques than modeling for them.  I was at the store with my son the other day when we had to stop and wait to cross the street on our way to the parking lot.  A car finally stopped to let us cross and my son stopped as he arrived at the front of the car, turned to the person driving, and yelled thank as he waved.  Unfortunately, the person did not acknowledge him.  Undaunted, my son tried a little louder and decided to wave with both hands the second time.  There was still no response from the driver of the car who had been nice enough to stop, but appeared to have no interest in waving back at a five year old.  My son remained stalwart.  He took half of a step toward the car; put both hands in the air, and wildly waved his hands (and arms by default) as he stared at the driver.  Finally, the driver smiled and waved back.  My son’s response was a big “thumbs-up” to the driver and a return to dad’s hand as we continued our walk into the parking lot.  My point you ask? Do not lower your standards or expectations because others do not match rather reach out and bring them up to yours no matter how many times or how much modeling it takes.

When communication fails:

·         Ideas die,

·         Innovation stops,

·         Leaders fail to succeed,

·         Teachers become frustrated,

·         Parents don’t get involved, and most importantly…

Kids don’t learn.

Work at it (Be Purposeful), make it better (Act with Integrity), and keep trying to bring others up (Build Your Character).