Online, In the Air, and Underground: Connect to Disconnect

The thinking for this post was generated by a recent conference I attended that was jointly hosted between the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) and the Canton Police Department.  While the topic was broad in scope (Strategies to Counter Violent Extremism at the High School Level) I found that when coupled with some recent literature, there was a very actionable message.  Responsible use of social media is a huge topic with multiple online resources, so please understand that I aim to only address a sliver here.

The Premise

Our students have almost unlimited access to the internet.  This isn’t 50 years ago when parents could shield their kids from certain sights, behaviors, or activities.  Even more recent it was a matter of kids being able to find (and do) anything they wanted if they had the desire.  Almost a “where there’s a will” type of thing.  Present day is even trickier.  Students will be exposed or introduced to many more things than we think appropriate or thought possible; whether they want to be or not. That is not a comforting thought even though there is a very effective method for combatting this issue.  We have just drifted from it.  I placed it into the title.  There is nothing wrong with connecting to the world of social media; as long as we never disconnect from our friends and family. Our kids cannot be shielded from the experiences the world will give them.  Therefore, it is our responsibility to teach them how to make proper decisions based on good character, integrity, and the ability to recognize both good and bad consequences.

So What?

There are three major pieces adults must keep in mind when attempting to control a student’s online activity.  They are all based around the idea that struggling for control is like squeezing a piece of ice; the harder you grip, the less likely you are to hold on.  In the end, keeping students safe depends on trust that is only built through fluid and ongoing communication and expectations.

Communicate

o   The Journal of the American Medical Association published a study in September that highlighted a direct link between families eating dinner together and a decrease in a multitude of negative behaviors in children such as depression, drug use, cyberbullying, and fighting just to name a few.  You may have seen some of the advertising campaign on television.  It is due to the uninterrupted conversation that goes on during dinner.

o   Be patient, positive, and supportive.  We all remember when we thought every viewpoint and decision of an adult was completely ridiculous and stifling of our important social life.  Take the time to listen and fully explore, model, and explain the pros and cons of various issues that students will encounter.  Your student’s perspective may shock or surprise you.  It is important to not overreact, but seek to understand where their belief comes from and then be firm in your response.

Expectations

o   Create a contract with clear boundaries and consequences for violating those rules.  Students like structure no matter how much they tend to complain about it.  There is a feeling of safety in knowing what is “ok” or not “ok” when it comes to behavior.  A clear set of guidelines helps make difficult decisions easier for individuals not prepared to handle certain situations. 

o   Remember that we are not our students’ friends.  We are the adults and while students need to be given plenty of room for mistakes if they are to grow, they also need to be kept “in bounds” so that they do not get into serious trouble while experiencing life.  In short, it’s not that we know better, but we do.

Trust

o   You will never be effective in protecting your student if there is not a strong sense of trust between you.  This does not mean blindly believing everything your student reports (or doesn’t) to you.  It is akin to Ronald Reagan’s statement; “Trust, but verify.” 

o   If your student begins to trust you with the small things, they will eventually trust you with everything.  Make sure you give them that opportunity by believing in them and their inherent ability to fall down, be scared, and worry about not living up to your expectations.  Personally, I tell my kids two things.  Only act in a way that they wouldn’t care if I heard about and that I will always love them unconditionally; no matter what they do.  So far, they feel safe enough to tell me everything.  I haven’t had to deal with the lying even though I have handed out plenty of consequences.  They know they can tell me anything because while I may not like the act; I will always be there for them.

Now What?

o   Schedule dinners or long car rides with your kids.

o   Always, without fail, listen to them because it’s important.

o   Continuously tell kids three things: I love you, I’m proud of you, and I trust you.

o   Communicate openly and honestly with integrity and hold an expectation of the same in return.

Ultimately it’s about helping your student create a mindset that allows them to make responsible decisions.  This doesn’t come from fear or you being the boss, rather from time taken to build a better relationship based on communication, trust, and understanding.  Remember that we can pretty much handle any problem we know about.  It’s the ones we don’t (or ignore) that are responsible for long term, often times irreversible damage to ourselves and others.

Communicate Like A Tiger

I wanted to write this post after Tom Bresnahan tweeted out a photo that really got me thinking about how we communicate, Tiger Cub Scouts, and an incident that occurred with my youngest son in a shopping market parking lot.  The overall message is model how to value individuals by listening to them.

Listen to Understand (The Goal)

The message is obvious, but how often is it that we are so geared up to talk that we never even listen in the first place.  There is a major difference between hearing and listening.  Listen to understand rather than waiting to speak and you just may learn something important.  Throughout history, there are accounts of multiple Native American tribes practicing the art of waiting approximately five seconds after a person spoke before they began.  This ensured that the person was heard and understood thereby causing more productive conversation.  Today this proves to be difficult.  We are naturally uncomfortable with prolonged silence.  However, every time I have practiced this, I have received greater amounts and a deeper understanding of information.

Tiger Cub Scouts (Steps to Take)

This is in the fashion of the “All I Really Need to Know, I Learned in Kindergarten” list.  Except it’s taken from a lesson I taught about being respectful and listening to a den of Tiger Cub Scouts.  To paint the picture, these boys are 6 years old. I often stop to think about how relevant these skills are for all adults as well.  The main point is to listen with your eyes, ears, and mind.  This can only be accomplished when you ignore all the other distractions.

1.      Eyes on speaker: Focus on the person you are speaking with.  You convey that they are important when you look at them.  It also shows that you are engaged in what they have to say.

2.      Ears are listening: Listen to understand instead of hearing to talk.  How often do you think you could repeat what someone had said to you five minutes after your conversation had ended?  The age old trick here is to repeat, rephrase and check.

3.      Mouth is quiet: Interrupting is one of the most rude and damaging behaviors in communication.  It sends a clear signal to whoever is speaking that what they are saying has no value.  It is not a long jump to the idea that you do not value them a person.  Simply put, wait your turn.

4.      Brain is thinking: Make sure you are making sense of what a person is saying.  Think of clarifying questions that help the conversation move forward. Asking questions shows you value the person and increases the flow of information due to a larger amount of trust.  Try to understand the motives for what they are telling you.  Doing so will lend insight.

5.      Body is still:  Non-verbal communication is much more important than verbal.  People have conversations and then walk away with that “it just didn’t feel right” taste in their mouth.  That is due to a breakdown in non-verbal communication.  Without getting too deep; be sure to have an open stance (or seated position), not roll your eyes, and either nod, shake your head, or give a slight umhmm to signify you are listening.

Keep Waving (The Whole Package)

Not everyone you encounter will communicate well.  The only response you have is to keep trying.  You do this through modeling.  There is no better way to teach somebody about proper, respectful communication techniques than modeling for them.  I was at the store with my son the other day when we had to stop and wait to cross the street on our way to the parking lot.  A car finally stopped to let us cross and my son stopped as he arrived at the front of the car, turned to the person driving, and yelled thank as he waved.  Unfortunately, the person did not acknowledge him.  Undaunted, my son tried a little louder and decided to wave with both hands the second time.  There was still no response from the driver of the car who had been nice enough to stop, but appeared to have no interest in waving back at a five year old.  My son remained stalwart.  He took half of a step toward the car; put both hands in the air, and wildly waved his hands (and arms by default) as he stared at the driver.  Finally, the driver smiled and waved back.  My son’s response was a big “thumbs-up” to the driver and a return to dad’s hand as we continued our walk into the parking lot.  My point you ask? Do not lower your standards or expectations because others do not match rather reach out and bring them up to yours no matter how many times or how much modeling it takes.

When communication fails:

·         Ideas die,

·         Innovation stops,

·         Leaders fail to succeed,

·         Teachers become frustrated,

·         Parents don’t get involved, and most importantly…

Kids don’t learn.

Work at it (Be Purposeful), make it better (Act with Integrity), and keep trying to bring others up (Build Your Character).

Awareness is Action’s First Step

This post is not an original idea nor the first time I have touched on its topic, but unfortunately the issue of bullying is still enough of an issue to require repeated calls for attention.  My previous entries are:

Defining, Acting, and Understanding Bullying

Tolerating Acceptance

In an attempt to continue getting the word out and raising awareness, I wrote a short piece for our electronic newsletter that goes to parents each week.  Typically I would not necessarily place a newsletter piece on my blog, but I have had a few suggestions to do so with this one.  So, without much more explanation it is presented below.

Please take the time to think about some of the awful behaviors that are being perpetrated on our children by their peers and in some cases adults.  The only way to stop this cycle is through purposeful education concerning how to act with integrity.  Doing so takes character, but that is only built through the act of making the right, courageous choices.  We have to make that first, scary step on the promise that it will get easier.

The piece was as follows:

Bullying Prevention Awareness Month

October is the national Bullying Prevention Awareness Month.  Please take the time to discuss this serious issue with your student at home.  While we hope to curb all bullying at Seekonk High School it is understood that this behavior is pervasive and by definition, operates in secrecy.  I have included a links to two short YouTube videos.  Please take the time, watch them with your students, and have a discussion.  Notice the behaviors, the bystanders, the helpers, and most importantly the victims.  Imagine they are you or your students and better understand the problems that face thousands of students nationwide on a daily basis. 

You Are Not Alone

You Had to Pick on Me

I have also included various resources for you to peruse when time permits.  They contain valuable tips for victims, parents, educators, bystanders, and even bullies.

Resources:

·         Pacer’s National Bullying Prevention Center: http://www.pacer.org/bullying/nbpm/

·         Stomp Out Bullying: http://www.stompoutbullying.org/index.php/campaigns/national-bullying-prevention-awareness-month/

·         Stop Bullying: http://www.stopbullying.gov/

Remember:

The victimization of any human being is a behavior that must be stopped.  Bullying affects all those involved in some form.  It affects the most vulnerable of our population; children.  Think of the following:

·         Just because you don’t like someone doesn’t mean you need to interact with them.

·         Bullies act out of a frustration with themselves and their lack of self-esteem.  It is about gaining control and power over their victim.

·         Do not be a bystander!  Seek help from the appropriate people if you do not want to intervene.

·         Adults cannot stop bullying by themselves.  It is up to the bully’s peers to put an end to this awful, behavior.

·         If you are being bullied let someone know and push forward.  You are special and can be incredibly successful one day because of who you are and what your experiences have made you.

Finally, a message to give to bullies. Those who you victimize will continue to be special in spite of your best efforts to drag them down to the level at which you exist.  Others will realize this, turn their backs on you, and in time, you will still be alone and have feelings of inadequacy.  Get help for what ails you in a productive way rather than being destructive.

No one likes to hear this, but I am sure this behavior exists at some level in Seekonk as well.  The question is what are all of us going to do together to stop these acts.  Simply ignoring or accepting it is not an option.