Communicate Like A Tiger

I wanted to write this post after Tom Bresnahan tweeted out a photo that really got me thinking about how we communicate, Tiger Cub Scouts, and an incident that occurred with my youngest son in a shopping market parking lot.  The overall message is model how to value individuals by listening to them.

Listen to Understand (The Goal)

The message is obvious, but how often is it that we are so geared up to talk that we never even listen in the first place.  There is a major difference between hearing and listening.  Listen to understand rather than waiting to speak and you just may learn something important.  Throughout history, there are accounts of multiple Native American tribes practicing the art of waiting approximately five seconds after a person spoke before they began.  This ensured that the person was heard and understood thereby causing more productive conversation.  Today this proves to be difficult.  We are naturally uncomfortable with prolonged silence.  However, every time I have practiced this, I have received greater amounts and a deeper understanding of information.

Tiger Cub Scouts (Steps to Take)

This is in the fashion of the “All I Really Need to Know, I Learned in Kindergarten” list.  Except it’s taken from a lesson I taught about being respectful and listening to a den of Tiger Cub Scouts.  To paint the picture, these boys are 6 years old. I often stop to think about how relevant these skills are for all adults as well.  The main point is to listen with your eyes, ears, and mind.  This can only be accomplished when you ignore all the other distractions.

1.      Eyes on speaker: Focus on the person you are speaking with.  You convey that they are important when you look at them.  It also shows that you are engaged in what they have to say.

2.      Ears are listening: Listen to understand instead of hearing to talk.  How often do you think you could repeat what someone had said to you five minutes after your conversation had ended?  The age old trick here is to repeat, rephrase and check.

3.      Mouth is quiet: Interrupting is one of the most rude and damaging behaviors in communication.  It sends a clear signal to whoever is speaking that what they are saying has no value.  It is not a long jump to the idea that you do not value them a person.  Simply put, wait your turn.

4.      Brain is thinking: Make sure you are making sense of what a person is saying.  Think of clarifying questions that help the conversation move forward. Asking questions shows you value the person and increases the flow of information due to a larger amount of trust.  Try to understand the motives for what they are telling you.  Doing so will lend insight.

5.      Body is still:  Non-verbal communication is much more important than verbal.  People have conversations and then walk away with that “it just didn’t feel right” taste in their mouth.  That is due to a breakdown in non-verbal communication.  Without getting too deep; be sure to have an open stance (or seated position), not roll your eyes, and either nod, shake your head, or give a slight umhmm to signify you are listening.

Keep Waving (The Whole Package)

Not everyone you encounter will communicate well.  The only response you have is to keep trying.  You do this through modeling.  There is no better way to teach somebody about proper, respectful communication techniques than modeling for them.  I was at the store with my son the other day when we had to stop and wait to cross the street on our way to the parking lot.  A car finally stopped to let us cross and my son stopped as he arrived at the front of the car, turned to the person driving, and yelled thank as he waved.  Unfortunately, the person did not acknowledge him.  Undaunted, my son tried a little louder and decided to wave with both hands the second time.  There was still no response from the driver of the car who had been nice enough to stop, but appeared to have no interest in waving back at a five year old.  My son remained stalwart.  He took half of a step toward the car; put both hands in the air, and wildly waved his hands (and arms by default) as he stared at the driver.  Finally, the driver smiled and waved back.  My son’s response was a big “thumbs-up” to the driver and a return to dad’s hand as we continued our walk into the parking lot.  My point you ask? Do not lower your standards or expectations because others do not match rather reach out and bring them up to yours no matter how many times or how much modeling it takes.

When communication fails:

·         Ideas die,

·         Innovation stops,

·         Leaders fail to succeed,

·         Teachers become frustrated,

·         Parents don’t get involved, and most importantly…

Kids don’t learn.

Work at it (Be Purposeful), make it better (Act with Integrity), and keep trying to bring others up (Build Your Character).

Awareness is Action’s First Step

This post is not an original idea nor the first time I have touched on its topic, but unfortunately the issue of bullying is still enough of an issue to require repeated calls for attention.  My previous entries are:

Defining, Acting, and Understanding Bullying

Tolerating Acceptance

In an attempt to continue getting the word out and raising awareness, I wrote a short piece for our electronic newsletter that goes to parents each week.  Typically I would not necessarily place a newsletter piece on my blog, but I have had a few suggestions to do so with this one.  So, without much more explanation it is presented below.

Please take the time to think about some of the awful behaviors that are being perpetrated on our children by their peers and in some cases adults.  The only way to stop this cycle is through purposeful education concerning how to act with integrity.  Doing so takes character, but that is only built through the act of making the right, courageous choices.  We have to make that first, scary step on the promise that it will get easier.

The piece was as follows:

Bullying Prevention Awareness Month

October is the national Bullying Prevention Awareness Month.  Please take the time to discuss this serious issue with your student at home.  While we hope to curb all bullying at Seekonk High School it is understood that this behavior is pervasive and by definition, operates in secrecy.  I have included a links to two short YouTube videos.  Please take the time, watch them with your students, and have a discussion.  Notice the behaviors, the bystanders, the helpers, and most importantly the victims.  Imagine they are you or your students and better understand the problems that face thousands of students nationwide on a daily basis. 

You Are Not Alone

You Had to Pick on Me

I have also included various resources for you to peruse when time permits.  They contain valuable tips for victims, parents, educators, bystanders, and even bullies.

Resources:

·         Pacer’s National Bullying Prevention Center: http://www.pacer.org/bullying/nbpm/

·         Stomp Out Bullying: http://www.stompoutbullying.org/index.php/campaigns/national-bullying-prevention-awareness-month/

·         Stop Bullying: http://www.stopbullying.gov/

Remember:

The victimization of any human being is a behavior that must be stopped.  Bullying affects all those involved in some form.  It affects the most vulnerable of our population; children.  Think of the following:

·         Just because you don’t like someone doesn’t mean you need to interact with them.

·         Bullies act out of a frustration with themselves and their lack of self-esteem.  It is about gaining control and power over their victim.

·         Do not be a bystander!  Seek help from the appropriate people if you do not want to intervene.

·         Adults cannot stop bullying by themselves.  It is up to the bully’s peers to put an end to this awful, behavior.

·         If you are being bullied let someone know and push forward.  You are special and can be incredibly successful one day because of who you are and what your experiences have made you.

Finally, a message to give to bullies. Those who you victimize will continue to be special in spite of your best efforts to drag them down to the level at which you exist.  Others will realize this, turn their backs on you, and in time, you will still be alone and have feelings of inadequacy.  Get help for what ails you in a productive way rather than being destructive.

No one likes to hear this, but I am sure this behavior exists at some level in Seekonk as well.  The question is what are all of us going to do together to stop these acts.  Simply ignoring or accepting it is not an option.

Here and Now vs. Yesterday and Tomorrow

While recently contemplating the influence of the society of which my current students are a part of, I noticed a connection between my doctoral research on historical understanding and student behavior.  Those of you who regularly read my posts will not be surprised to find that I am looking at this connection through the lens of being purposeful, acting with integrity, and building character.

I am fortunate enough to deal with all types of students who, at the time of our meeting, are usually not in their best light.  With very few exceptions, I notice that there is always an absence in our conversation concerning some type of behavior.  Previously believing this to be an offshoot of the survival skill known as self-preservation, I have now come to think somewhat differently.  What follows could and possibly should be a larger discussion, but not here.  I will attempt to keep it brief and possibly revisit later.

Students today, for many reasons live in a constant state of the present.  This is why the concept of character is so hard for many to not just grasp, but meaningfully implement in their lives.

Whether you call it the existence of:

·         instant gratification,

·         everyone gets a trophy,

·         140 character conversations,

·         reality based on TV shows, or

·         the world instantly at their fingertips in the form of a screen.

Whatever the combination of factors, students are left with a stimulating, instant, very current world with little explanation or understanding of how prior actions have affected their current state and how the present has future consequences.  That is where the problem (yes it is a problem) occurs.

It may not necessarily be a refusal to accept responsibility as much as a lack of understanding concerning that very thing.  In fact, more and more research is bearing out the delayed development in the region of the brain (otherwise known as the frontal lobe) that controls individual’s ability to recognize and fully understand the relationship between cause and effect as it pertains to them personally.  Before you protest and say that I am making excuses because “of course students know what they are doing” you must understand that is not what I am saying.  The success I have had in working with students to change their behaviors stems from my belief that they need to be made aware of their actions and their impact contextually.  After all, it is my job to teach.  Not to mention, who wants to complain about the ills of the society instead of moving in a direction that fixes them?  Even if it is one student at a time…

That is why appropriate consequences for action are needed more now than ever before.  Surrounded by a world that has disconnected, negotiated, or even nonexistent effects for actions, students must be taught the exact opposite if they are to achieve real success.  The question is how we accomplish that.  I use a method that follows three steps.

When I follow this framework I have noticed:

·         a lower rate of recidivism of negative behavior,

·         stronger relationships, and

·         students developing more character.

Be Purposeful

We all know that students deal with concrete explanations the best.  Tell them the behavior that is wrong and why.  Then take the time and walk them back (verbally) to the causes and then forward to the effect.  Be sure to continually tie everything you talk about to the action.  Create that connection for them until it becomes natural.  Much like sledding, you need to go down the hill first if they are to go where you want them.

Act with Integrity

Be “above board” with the students.  Let them know exactly what you are doing and why.  The goal is to get them to realize the larger context of their actions.  How many of us would accept a class in which the objectives were either absent or unclear?  Model the behavior you are looking for.  Do this by telling them what effect you are trying to get by your actions of speaking with them before the consequence.  This talk should be about much more than just a “due process” requirement.

Build Character

As mentioned before, this is not about the lack of consequences rather the presence of useful ones.  Students will repeat the behavior if they are not aware of the connection to the consequence.  This is where the responsibility portion begins.  Character is not about acting gracious when you are getting what you want.  It is about handling what you don’t like with a determined, yet open mind.  Every consequence is an opportunity to build a student’s capacity to have a stronger character.  We need to use it as such by teaching them that they need to accept whatever decision they made and the resulting actions.  Not because someone is doing something to them, but because they did something to themselves.

Finally, if students live in the present where actions and memories are quickly discarded how they can really understand the consequences (both past and future) of their actions.  The best part of this is that the frontal lobe doesn’t fully develop until later.  Therefore, even though high school may serve as the last chance in many regards, we still have the opportunity to help students develop this ability that much of society has, at best left alone while at worst reinforced the negative.  We need to stop reacting and instead respond with strategies and interventions that serve a longer term goal.  Take the time, acknowledge the context, and address the future possibility.

As always, your thoughts, discussion, and comments are welcome.

I will close with a poem someone passed me about a week ago…

 “If a child doesn’t know how to read, we teach.

If a child doesn’t know how to swim, we teach.

If a child doesn’t know how to multiply, we teach.

If a child doesn’t know how to drive, we teach.

If a child doesn’t know how to behave, we…punish?” 

-John Herner, Counterpoint (1998, p.2)