Social Media and Self Confidence

Whether it is me, a few more than normal occurrences at school, or national news that has drawn attention to this topic is not the issue in the end. The issue is just that...THE END of going back and forth. Social media is a fantastic tool, but like every tool can be wielded with poor judgement that ends up damaging surrounding things. Digital citizenship and in the event it is not present, self confidence and resilience are key.

I wrote a few blog posts that go more in depth about this topic. One was titled: Media That Isn't So Social? and the other was Online, Underground, and In the Air: Connect to Disconnect. While they are focused on some deeper issues the same line of thought applies. A strong foundation in digital citizenship and responsibility is what is needed in an age where anonymity allows an increased sense of bravery, uncaring, and/or treachery.

Please take the time to discuss this with students. There will be times in their lives when individuals say things (often on social media) that hurt their feelings or embarrass them, are lies, or just plain make them mad. Responding in kind is not the answer. It does nothing but fuel the flames and let the offender know they have hit their mark. Doing nothing doesn’t work either and isn’t a realistic expectation on the part of adults.  Instead we need to have students ask an adult for help.  They need to let someone know what is happening so it can stop.  People who bully or harass others will not stop until someone who has the ability or authority to make them does just that.  Report things early and they stop early.  Inaction leads to larger problems further down the road.

Be Purposeful: Know what you are doing, why you are doing it, and what the most likely outcome.

Act With Integrity: Seek to do the right thing. Interact with others in a respectful manner...always.

Build Your Character: Having someone slander or lie about you doesn't make it true or something to which you have to react. Be strong, know who you are, and be better for it.  

The Cost of Playing Up

How many times...

• have we underachieved because we didn’t take advantage of an opportunity?
• was it because we were afraid of failing?
• was it because we thought we couldn’t?  

How many times...have we kept our children from succeeding because we were trying to protect (make it easier) them so that they could?

The cost of reaching higher than we thought we could reach is small compared to the cost of staying safe which results in more painful assurances of staying put in long term mediocrity.

While I am always considering how to push my sons to take chances and explore in an attempt to be better than if they had not, the thoughts for this post came to me as I sat contemplating two recent events with them.

First, we were happy that he had fun on the ropes course and surprised at how easily he moved through the second of three levels.  Then he came and asked to go on the third course.  My youngest son is 7 years old and fancies himself somewhat of a spider man clone.  I informed him the rule was that the third level was restricted to kids 13 and older.  He asked again so I told him I would ask.  The guide hesitated and after asking how he did (very well was my answer) on the second level, informed me that he would let him.  The only restriction was that the guide would stay right near him in the event he fell...which he did...twice...as many of us looked on from about 40 feet below!

Second, the decision came quickly.  Yes, we had thought and spoke about it for over a month, but when the time came it seemed as if we still rushed in.  The only somewhat saving grace was that he had made the final decision himself; just like we had been teaching him.  My 9yr. old son was now playing football a level up with the older (by two grades), bigger kids. His other choice was to take it easy for a year and play later. We were concerned about the contact with more developed kids, but stood by as he got knocked down and struggled to keep up in the drills.

Often, as parents we do our best to help our children succeed and excel at what they do.  That is only natural.  The part we miss is that often greater success lies just behind greater risk and fear.  This is easy to verbalize, but a whole lot harder to watch.  Especially with our own children.  

In this day and age when we have changed the label of helicopter to snowplow (or lawnmower) parents it is easy to say that resilience (or lack thereof) comes from parents protecting their students too much. I believe it may be linked to something deeper. How many of us teach children mental toughness and character by explaining to them that life is not about drifting to the end, but purposefully moving from accomplishment to accomplishment? How many of us teach our kids to play up?

Playing up means playing above your perceived skill level and taking chances that you are better than you believe. Everything in life comes with a cost. Especially playing up. We are consistently (or should be) telling our students and children that every action has a consequence (or costs something). The issue is that we may not be explaining it effectively. Its really as simple as every action gets a reaction. Sometimes the actions we take have good consequences. Sometimes they don't. Either way...there is a cost.

Unfortunately for those who struggle with delayed gratification, good decisions are not as appealing as the bad ones and while they do not seem to cost a lot in the present; the cost is huge in the future. These individuals need to identify a purpose that will drive them to push through setbacks and obstacles until they accomplish what they are striving for.

An acronym to think about:

Character

You're going to run into failures. You're going to make mistakes. You're going to fall down.  The idea or path to success lies in the getting up.  You build your character in difficult times when you struggle.  There can be no learning without  the Ideas to build your character and get right backup

Opportunity

By playing up you create opportunities you never realized you would have. Remember the phrase “luck is when preparation meets opportunity.  The willingness to work through difficult times leads to easier moments we used to think impossible.

Success

No matter how a person measures success there is one thing that hold true; true success breeds success.  Once a person leaves their comfort zone, struggles, and succeeds, they realize that they never knew how far they could get until they got there.  If we teach students to be purposeful and persevere there is no limit to the amount of success they may achieve.

Teaching

Acting purposefully and building character are two very difficult things to accomplish for many people; much less children.  But there is nothing that is a better teacher than experience.  The issue is lasting through that experience.  Once a person has met and pushed through hardship, there is a moment that they realize that they are more capable, tougher, stronger, braver, and deserving of whatever they wish to become.  That is character saying yes when other say no.

By the way...my youngest son finished that third level and continued to talk about how proud he was because he didn't think he could do it. He just kept going and repeating; “Don't look down, you can do this.” until he made it a reality.  My oldest? He kept getting up until he began keeping up in drills and knocking 6th graders down. His answer when asked by former teammates and friends which level be liked better? “I like playing up because I have to work harder or I won't do good. I feel like I'm getting better” was his reply though a pride filled grin.

Easy for a parent? No

Needed for the kid? At times

More beneficial to learn resilience, be purposeful, and build character than being safe? ABSOLUTELY!

Step back a little.  Let them play up. They may just surprise you...

Set Expectations, Not Excuses and Success Will Come

This was a post that I put as a message in my weekly newsletter to students, staff, and parents.  As I reread it, I realized not only is it only a small part of a bigger topic/conversation, but a message for everyone no matter their path or position in life.

It is as follows:

Now that we have reached the end of the Third Term, I thought it may be helpful to point out something as the year is officially in the “last lap”.  Whether we have good grades, have met some goals, or failed at both; many of us can do better.  Unfortunately, often when we are faced with a failure or adversity it is easy to make an excuse as to why it cannot be done rather than shouldering some hardship and a lot of responsibility in an effort to get it done.  Additionally damaging is when we use the excuse that we either cannot do it or are not good at it because that’s “just the way it is.”  This is where expectations come into play.  I often think of a quote attributed to an unknown 6^th grader that said, “My teacher thought I was smarter than I was – so I was.”

Just recently an article was forwarded to me that illustrated the power of expectations.  It rehashed an old experiment known as the Rosenthal Experiment and how it relates to the Pygmalion effect.  I have included this short article for you to read here. You may have never heard of either of these two things, but a quick summary is that this study illustrates “the phenomenon that explains better performances by people when greater expectations are put on them.”  So how does this apply to the beginning of the end of the school year?

That is one thing I expect you already know.

If you need a higher grade to pass a class…set a goal and expect you can accomplish it.

If you are not doing well in a sport…expect to do better and get it done.

If there is anything you want to get or do better at…think you can and then do it.

This sounds great, but you need to remember nothing comes without work and sacrifice.  It is supposed to be uncomfortable.  That is the only way we know we are pushing ourselves hard enough to grow.  In the end, we are the only ones who really decide how successful we are and that is by expecting the best of ourselves and believing that we have the ability to achieve it.