Tolerating Acceptance

As the school year marches onward and I find myself engaged in discussions concerning activities for National Anti-Bullying Week (4/8 /13– 4/12/13), I began wondering about acceptance and tolerance. It just so happened that I recently received an email from my martial arts instructor concerning a present he had been given.  He commented on the tag that many of us are quick to discard.  It stated, “This garment has been specially made with the finest materials available, constructed by skilled craftsmen. Any variations are what make this garment unique and should not be considered flaws or imperfections.”  For me, this cemented the idea that it is our uniqueness that makes us great.  So why do many of us focus on those individual qualities people have and use them to degrade or humiliate?  Personally, I believe there is no simple answer to this question, but a good starting point would be to look at our language and beliefs.  Specifically, we need to move away from the idea of tolerance and embrace the practice of acceptance.  Consider the two definitions.

Merriam Webster defines tolerance as: The “capacity to endure pain or hardship” or “sympathy or indulgence for beliefs or practices differing from or conflicting with one's own”

Is it really that hard to accept someone who is different?  Do we need to feel sympathy for them?  Is it actually painful to interact with someone who has differing viewpoints?  Throughout our nation’s history, it has been the interactions of those with differing beliefs that has made us great through discussion, debate, and recognizing individual skill sets.   As Voltaire put it, tolerance “is the consequence of humanity. We are all formed of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly - that is the first law of nature.” 

Conversely, Merriam Webster defines acceptance as:  “Agreeing either expressly or by conduct to the act or offer of another…,” “the fact of being accepted,” or “the quality or state of being accepted or acceptable.”

We get to this agreement by not just tolerating others, but understanding that they are an individual like ourselves with skills, beliefs, and circumstances that may be unknown to us.  According to Nathaniel Branden, “The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance.”

Why don’t we strive for acceptance rather than tolerance?  We tolerate decisions/answers with which we do not agree, issues that are forced upon us for no reason of our own making, and situations that arise on a daily basis.  We should look to accepting that people are different and for that matter, valuable.  After all, wouldn’t we hope that someone isn’t just tolerating our presence?

References

Arouet, F. (2013, March 24). Brainy quote. Retrieved from http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/v/voltaire107394.html

Branden, N. (2013, March 24). Brainy quote. Retrieved from http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/n/nathanielb163773.html

Webster, M. (2013, March 24). Definition of tolerance. Retrieved from http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/tolerance

Webster, M. (2013, March 24). Definition of tolerance. Retrieved from http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/acceptance

Defining, Acting, and Understanding Bullying

While schools value (or should) value the emotional and physical well-being of their students above all else, bullying continues to be a pervasive problem in todays’ educational institutions.  This stems from two main components; a lack of understanding and communication between parents, schools, and students.  Clearly a topic as important, large and complicated as this cannot be fully covered here, but what can be given is an overview along with some resources to help increase the prevention of bullying.

Formal Definition

In order to be considered bullying, the behavior must be aggressive and include:

·         An Imbalance of Power: This occurs when an individual uses their power (physical strength, access to embarrassing information, or popularity to control or harm others.

·         Repetition: The behaviors happen more than once.

Understanding

Bullying/harassment leaves scars that long outlast the act itself.

The 2011 Youth Risk Behavior Survey (YRBS) located at http://www.cdc.gov/HealthyYouth/yrbs/index.htm indicates that, nationwide, 20% of students in grades 9–12 experienced bullying.

Victims often report increased:

·         Depression and anxiety

·         sadness and loneliness

They lose interest in activities they used to enjoy and often experience health issues and decreased academic achievement.  Additionally, they are more likely to be absent or completely drop out of school.  There are also effects suffered by those who bully or even witness such incidents.  The aftermath can be the root cause of a host of anti-social behaviors. In fact, most school shootings in the 1990’s were perpetrated by students who were victims of bullying.

Some Questions to Ask Students Regarding…

Perception

·         What does “bullying” mean to you?

·         Describe what kids who bully are like. Why do you think people bully?

·         What do you usually do when you see bullying going on?

·         Do you ever see kids at your school being bullied by other kids? How does it make you feel?

·         Have you ever tried to help someone who is being bullied? What happened? What would you do if it happens again?

Trust

·         Who are the adults you trust most when it comes to things like bullying?

Action

·         What can you do if bullying occurs?

·         What do you think parents can do to help stop bullying?

·         What can your school do to help stop bullying?

Communication is Key

Many times students will say (and they truly believe) that there is nothing adults can do to stop bullying.  The fact is parents, staff, and students themselves can play a significant role in preventing bullying through communication and action.  Parents and staff need to take time to check in with students to find out about their concerns and let them know any type of bullying or harassment is unacceptable.  We need to take the time to inform ourselves about what is going on in our students’ lives.  It can be as easy as a ten minute conversation.  A few examples:

Parents:

·         Meet or contact teachers and counselors

·         Read school newsletters and the school website

·         Go to school events

Staff:

·         Listen to students beyond academics

·         Be aware of hallway behaviors

·         Help kids take part in activities

Students:

·         Report issues you see occur in school.

·         Talk about your concerns.

·         Promote a respectful environment.  You would want someone to help you.

Everyone:

·         Encourage students to do what they love and be who they are regardless of others opinions.

·         Model how to treat each other with kindness and respect.

Action

In the end, it is everyone’s responsibility if bullying is to be prevented and talking about it directly is one important step.  Another is taking action against it.  We all need to remember that students watch how adults interact, manage stress, and treat others.  They learn from us.  Make sure the lesson they are receiving is one of maturity, respect, and responsibility.

Please take the time to investigate the following resources for a comprehensive amount of information concerning this very important topic.  After all, what could possibly be more important than taking care of our students’ physical, social, and emotional needs in the best possible manner to ensure they grow into healthy, happy adults?

Sources for this post:

http://www.stopbullying.gov/

http://www.cdc.gov/HealthyYouth/yrbs/index.htm

http://kidshealth.org/teen/homework/problems/bullies.html#cat171

http://www.ncpc.org/topics/bullying

http://www.pacer.org/bullying/resources/

Maximizing Face to Face Time with Your Student’s Teachers

My original intent of this blog was to give some pointers to parents concerning parent –teacher conferences.  Upon reflection, these are good pointers for any meeting throughout the year.  It is imperative to be as informed as possible in our students’ education if we are to ensure their success.  Contrary to popular opinion (or action), the need for this information grows as students grow older.  Rather than dwindling, at open houses and parent conference nights, high school parent attendance should grow.  Often, many teachers can be overheard commenting that they wished as many parents of struggling students showed up as those achieving high grades.  This is the main reason for this post.   Many times, parents (especially those who struggled in or didn't like school themselves) feel as if conferences with teachers are unclear, confrontational, uncomfortable, or embarrassing.  Therefore, why not avoid the whole experience?  Unfortunately, that only causes a larger problem to develop.

Many of us know that teachers are busy and it is because of this that any time spent meeting with them is valuable and should not be wasted through a lack of an agenda, misunderstanding of issues to be covered, or un-asked/answered questions.  There are many parents waiting to hear information from a handful of teachers regarding their students.  So how does a parent get the most out of this limited time?  What follows is a compilation of ideas and tips concerning preparing for a conference, getting the most out of your time spent, and effective ways to follow up after the conference has ended.

Pre-Conference

Preparation is important as the conference itself if it is expected to be productive.  Parents should:

·      Speak with your students about how they are doing in school and why.  Ask what subjects/teachers they like/dislike and why.  Compare this to their grades and completed work.

·      Find out if there are any issues your student would like to speak with the teacher about.

·      Ask if students are welcome to attend the conference and decide if it is a good opportunity to teach self-advocacy or responsibility for learning.

·      Make a list of questions to address your areas of concern.

During the Conference

·      Keep an open mind.  Do not start the conference with a specific agenda.  Listen to the teacher’s assessment of your student’s performance.  It may begin to clear up any misconceptions and avoid a negative, confrontational experience.

·      Ask the important questions first in case time runs out. If major concerns are addressed, minor ones may start to work themselves to a resolution. Remember to ask about the frequency and effectiveness of services if your student receives special services.

·      Address problems in a respectful, professional manner.  Conferences are a good time to discuss and make a plan to solve any difficulties your student may be having at school.  Remember to focus on solutions rather than placing blame.  Be sure to not just ask for examples, but also how the problems are being addressed.  This will help you identify strategies that may or may not work.

·       Develop a plan to move forward.  This may include steps that both the parent and teacher can take to avoid future problems or successfully address them when they occur. Make sure that everything is clear and understood by both the teacher and parent.  Decide how best to stay in touch to monitor your students’ progress.

·       End the conference by reviewing everything that was discussed and reviewing the agreed upon plan.

Post Conference

·      Students only value education as something that requires effort and commitment when they see it modeled by parents and teachers.

·      Discuss the conference with your student.  Be direct about what needs to occur for them to improve by helping the student realize it is ultimately their responsibility.

Remember that the desired outcome of a conference should be simplified to a few answers to the following basic questions:

1.      Is my student giving his or her best effort?

·     Grades do not always give an accurate picture of ability.  Teachers are able to tell if a student is working to their potential and how the parent can support this at home.

2.      What can my student do that he or she is not already doing?

·      All students can improve.  It is important that they have a clear understanding of how and where.  It could be as simple as completing extra credit or involved as picking up an internship.

·      It is important to realize that students’ ability to perform at their highest possible level is ultimately their responsibility.

3.      What can I do that I am not already doing?

·      Parents may not realize that they are able to assist the teacher in being more effective.  By helping ensure that students take ownership of their education, parents create more engaged students who are motivated to learn.

4.      How can we all work together to ensure my students’ success?

·      There is often a lack of communication and understanding between parents and teachers concerning what is being done at home and in school.  Conferences are a great opportunity for everyone to get on the same page – student success.

Remember that parent–teacher conferences are a chance for you to ask questions about your child's progress and how you, the teacher and you student can work together as a team to ensure success.

Asking the right questions, keeping an open mind, and following through can help parents and teachers get the most out of conferences.

The Harvard Family Research Project has an acronym that provides a great framework to follow for an effective conference:

“BE HEARD”

Best intentions assumed

Emphasis on learning

Home–school collaboration

Examples and evidence

Active listening

Respect for all

Dedication to follow-up

Sources consulted for this post:

Harvard Family Research Project. (2010). Parent-teacher conference tip sheets. Family involvement network of educators (FINE) newsletter, 2(3), Retrieved from http://www.hfrp.org/var/hfrp/storage/fckeditor/File/FI-ConferenceTipSheet-111810.pdf

National Parent Teacher Association (PTA). (2012, October 09). Making parent-teacher conferences work for your child. Retrieved from http://www.pta.org/2532.htm

Sheehy, K. (2012, November 05). What high school teachers wish parents asked at conferences. U.S. news and world report, Retrieved from http://www.usnews.com/education/blogs/high-school-notes/2012/11/05/what-high-school-teachers-wish-parents-asked-at-conferences?s_cid=rss:high-school-notes:what-high-school-teachers-wish-parents-asked-at-conferences